People Aren’t Toxic, Behaviors Are

“If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” — Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, The Gulag Archipelago

It’s tempting to reduce people to their worst traits, especially when we've been hurt by them or have witnessed someone hurt by them. We often label them "toxic," "narcissistic," "manipulative," or worse. These words have become part of our everyday vocabulary, shorthand for difficult or damaging behaviors. And they are often misused/overused to describe someone who is merely disagreeing with us.

The problem is when we say someone is toxic, we’ve made a judgment not just about their behavior but also their identity, about who they are and what they're worth. We’ve declared them broken, beyond repair, and unworthy of empathy. Once we've labeled someone that way, it’s nearly impossible to see them as anything else, if we ever try.

Shifting a couple of words can help keep our minds and hearts healthy when others may not be: People aren’t toxic, behaviors are.

Rather than semantics, this is a critical distinction, one that changes how we relate to others, set boundaries, and hold ourselves accountable.

Labels vs. Behavior

When we say “he’s toxic” or “she’s a narcissist,” we’re collapsing a person’s entire identity into just the set of behaviors that caused harm. That may feel satisfying in the moment, especially when we’re hurt. But it’s not psychologically accurate, and it’s rarely productive for either party involved.

Behavioral science, trauma-informed care, and mindfulness-based psychology remind us that people are complex, and behavior is shaped by context, emotion, learning history, and pain.

No one is just one thing, especially not only the things we don’t like.

Labeling someone makes it easy to justify cutting them off or blaming them for a relational rupture. Name-calling is basically the same thing. It removes the need for curiosity, empathy, or even conversation.

When we focus on behaviors instead of identity, a few powerful things happen:

• We create space for accountability without dehumanization.

• We can set boundaries without condemnation.

• We allow for the possibility of growth and repair, even if we choose to walk away from the relationship.

The Psychology of Behavior

“People are doing the best they can with what they have. When we assume that, we can stop judging and start listening.” — Brené Brown

Most people don’t engage in harmful behavior because they’re “bad.” They behave that way because they’re overwhelmed, reactive, scared, ashamed, or stuck in survival mode. That doesn’t excuse the harm, but it helps explain what's going on behind the action.

This is especially true for behavior that gets labeled “toxic”:

• Passive-aggression

• Emotional manipulation

• Intolerance

• Shaming

• Stereotyping

• Aggressive and controlling behavior (bullying)

• Chronic criticism or blame-shifting

All of these are strategies are maladaptive strategies for getting needs met, avoiding pain, or exerting control when someone feels fearful and/or powerless.

That’s not a moral pass. It’s a psychological explanation. And when we understand behavior this way, we can move out of reaction and act with intention. When we notice a behavioral pattern affecting us, we can respond mindfully and with clarity, rather than reacting from the same emotionally reactive place the other person may be in.

Self-Reflection Comes First

Of course, it’s far easier to spot someone else’s toxic patterns than our own.

So, before we rush to hold others accountable for their toxic behaviors, we’d do well to examine our own. There’s a reason the saying “it takes one to know one” endures: we're often most disturbed by in others what we struggle to see, or admit, in ourselves.

"But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being."

It's an uncomfortable necessity. All of us, every single one, have engaged in behavior that, in the right context, could have been considered toxic, self-centered, and harmful. Think about moments when you:

• Reacted with sarcasm instead of honesty

• Avoided responsibility by putting off an apology or blaming someone else

• Withdrew and shut down when someone needed you

• Used guilt or shame to get your way or make a point

• Tried to control a situation by being aggressive or manipulative

• Exaggerated your strengths while diminishing your faults
  

That doesn’t make you a bad person, either, just human. We all have emotional reflexes that get activated under stress or threat. We can all slip into selfish modes of being. The difference lies in whether we’re willing to become aware of those patterns and take responsibility for changing them.

Mindfulness as an Antidote

Mindfulness is one of the most powerful tools we have for separating identity from behavior.

It teaches us to observe our thoughts, emotions, and actions without immediately judging them or identifying with them. It allows us to pause "between stimulus and response." To ask questions like:

• “What am I feeling right now?”

• “Is this reaction aligned with my values?”

• “What story am I telling myself about this person, or myself?”

• “What’s actually needed in this moment?”

This kind of awareness gives us a chance to respond rather than react. And that’s the doorway to change.

If toxic behavior is often the result of unchecked pain or fear, then mindfulness helps us name that pain, hold that fear, and choose a different path. Not perfectly. Not always. But way more often.

Boundaries Without Vilifying

To be clear, recognizing that behaviors are toxic (rather than people) doesn't mean you should stay in harmful relationships or tolerate abuse.

Sometimes, walking away is the healthiest and most self-respecting thing you can do. Sometimes “toxic” dynamics can’t be repaired, and protecting your peace (and physical safety) requires distance.

You can just do that without turning the other person into a villain.

One response invites reflection and preserves dignity, and keeps us connected to a common humanity. The other reaction usually escalates the conflict and reinforces shame. Shame rarely leads to change.

Healthy boundaries are about clarity and care, not character assassination.

The Beloved Community Begins With Us

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke often of the Beloved Community, a vision of a world grounded in justice, equity, and most of all, love. He believed conflict was inevitable, but that violence and dehumanization were not. The goal wasn’t to destroy or shame others; it was to awaken them to a better way of living, to transform systems and hearts alike.

That vision is often focused on public policy or advocacy, but it begins much closer to home—in how we speak, judge, and draw boundaries with one another.

When we say “people aren’t toxic, behaviors are,” we are choosing a posture that resists dehumanization without abandoning accountability. We are refusing the false choice between truth and compassion. We can name harm clearly, set firm boundaries, and still affirm the dignity of the person standing in front of us.

A Beloved Community does not excuse damaging behavior. It refuses to define a person solely by their worst moments, and leaves room for responsibility, repair, and growth, even when reconciliation is not possible.

Language matters, and it will be how we build something better than cycles of blame and erasure.

“When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” — Carl Rogers

From Judgment to Accountability

In a culture trained to call out first and listen later, accountability is often confused with exposure, and moral clarity with humiliation. Calling out has its place. But many situations call for something harder and more transformative: calling in.

Calling in means naming the specific behavior, naming its impact, and doing so without collapsing the person into the behavior itself. It is slower, riskier work. It requires emotional maturity and a willingness to examine our own patterns before confronting someone else’s.

Sometimes, calling in is not possible. Sometimes, the most honest and self-respecting response is acceptance and distance. Boundaries are not a failure of love; they are often its most disciplined expression. The difference is whether those boundaries are drawn with clarity or with contempt.

Shifting from “toxic people” to “toxic behaviors” is not about letting anyone off the hook. It is about creating the conditions where accountability can actually lead somewhere. It allows us to name harm without shame, to see others as more than their worst actions, and to remain grounded in humility—an essential posture if we are serious about change, whether in our relationships or in the world.

We are not our most reactive moments. We are not the sum of our defenses under stress. Growth remains possible, but only if we stop confusing judgment with responsibility.

So, let’s stop calling people toxic. Let’s name behaviors honestly, set boundaries clearly, and own our own patterns without flinching.

Because real accountability and real healing begin when we stop blaming and start understanding: People aren’t toxic. Behaviors are.

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If this reflection resonates, Dr. Schweitzer continues exploring these themes, such as accountability without dehumanization, moral clarity without contempt, and advocacy grounded in integrity, at his new website, www.donschweitzer.com.

There you’ll find resources and articles engaging the ethical and social questions that shape our public and private lives, written for those who care less about winning arguments and more about telling the truth well.

Change begins with how we see one another. It deepens when we’re willing to keep thinking, listening, and acting with integrity.