When Winning Gets in the Way: How Competition Undermines Connection
- Dr. Don Schweitzer, PhD, LMSW
- May 11
- 5 min read
We don’t talk about it much, but let’s be honest: sometimes it’s hard to be happy for other people.
Not because we’re cruel or selfish. Often, we care deeply about our friends and loved ones. But then they get the promotion, the recognition, the relationship, the breakthrough - and there’s this subtle sting. A tightening in the chest. A thought you didn’t invite but can’t ignore: Why not me?
That reaction can feel shameful, so we bury it. We nod and smile and say, “I’m so happy for you,” while some part of us contracts. What’s going on here?
It’s not a flaw in your character. It’s a symptom of something bigger. We live in a culture that prizes competition. From the time we’re kids, we’re taught to measure our worth by how we rank. Higher test scores. More likes. Faster results. Bigger outcomes. We learn - consciously or not - that someone else’s success means less room for ours.
And in that environment, relationships can start to feel like a scoreboard instead of a safe place.
The Hidden Cost of Competition
Competition has its place. It can push us to improve, spark creativity, and teach resilience. But when it becomes a default mode - especially in our personal lives - it starts to distort the way we relate to others. It turns connection into comparison. Celebration into self-doubt. Collaboration into rivalry.
Think about how often we’re silently measuring ourselves against others:
Your friend shares that they’re training for a marathon, and you suddenly feel guilty for skipping your walk yesterday.
A colleague gets recognized at work, and instead of feeling inspired, you feel small.
Someone posts a happy relationship photo online, and you wonder if your own relationship is lacking.
This reflex to compare is rooted in scarcity. The belief - often unconscious - that there’s only so much success, love, or joy to go around. If someone else has more, we must have less.
But here’s the truth: that’s a lie. Life isn’t a pie. Someone else’s slice doesn’t shrink yours. In fact, the more we can celebrate and uplift others, the richer our own lives become.
Ego and the Fear of Being Less
At the heart of all this is the ego. Not ego as in arrogance, but ego as in the part of us that wants to be somebody - special, important, worthy. The ego feeds on identity. It wants to know: Where do I rank? Am I doing enough? Am I enough?
When someone else shines, the ego gets nervous. If they’re being celebrated, does that mean I’m being forgotten?
This is where the competitive reflex kicks in. It’s not always loud or aggressive. Sometimes it’s a quiet distancing. A withdrawal. A shift in tone. We don’t mean to do it, but some part of us feels threatened. And in that moment, instead of connecting more deeply, we subtly disconnect.
Over time, this can erode trust and intimacy in our relationships. We stop sharing vulnerably. We become guarded. We feel envious, ashamed, or alone - and pretend not to be.
The Role of Mindfulness: Noticing Without Judgment
Mindfulness doesn’t magically erase our competitive instincts. But it does give us a powerful tool: awareness without shame.
When we slow down and observe our internal reactions, we begin to see these patterns clearly - and with compassion. We can notice the twinge of envy without letting it define us. We can recognize the fear of not being enough and still choose to celebrate someone else’s joy.
The point isn’t to judge ourselves for having these feelings. It’s to understand them. To pause long enough to ask:
What part of me feels threatened right now?
Is this about them, or is it about my own sense of worth?
What might I be afraid of losing - or not getting?
That kind of curiosity interrupts the reflex. It creates space to respond rather than react.
And in that space, something remarkable can happen: the grip loosens. The armor softens. We remember that connection isn’t a competition.
Reclaiming Joy Through Connection
One of the quiet tragedies of chronic comparison is that it robs us of joy - not just our own, but shared joy.
When we’re stuck in competitive mindsets, we can’t fully enter into another person’s happiness. We might smile and nod, but we’re not with them in their joy. We’re off in our heads, measuring, doubting, comparing. That separation cuts us off from one of the most life-giving parts of human experience: genuine connection.
But when we do allow ourselves to feel joy for others - not perform it, but actually feel it - it’s contagious. It multiplies. Joy isn’t a zero-sum game; it’s a communal one.
And ironically, the more we celebrate others, the more we strengthen our own sense of belonging. When we root for each other, we stop feeling like we have to prove ourselves. We start showing up as we are, without fear of not being "enough."
A New Way to Relate: From Rivalry to Resonance
We don't have to abandon all ambition or pretend we never compare ourselves to others. But we can practice relating differently. We can shift from rivalry to resonance - from “How do I stack up?” to “How can I show up?”
Practices to Loosen the Grip of Comparison
Practice Mudita (Sympathetic Joy): This is the Buddhist practice of finding joy in the happiness of others. Try silently blessing someone when they succeed: May your joy continue. May you feel seen and supported. It might feel awkward at first, but over time, it softens the heart.
Journal Prompt: “Where Do I Compete?” Write down areas of your life where competition shows up. Notice who or what triggers it. Then ask: What belief is underneath this? What am I afraid it says about me?
Affirm: There’s Enough for Everyone. Repeat this when envy arises. Success isn’t limited. Love isn’t limited. Worth is not up for grabs. The world is wide enough for your light to shine and theirs.
Celebrate Out Loud. Send a genuine text of congratulations. Share someone else’s work. Leave a kind comment. Let your support be felt. When we give what we crave, we create the kind of connection we long for.
Ground in Your Own Path. Remember, someone else’s journey is not your timeline. Your value doesn’t depend on speed or comparison. Ask, What do I really want - and why? Then walk your path with intention, not competition.
Final Thoughts: You Belong Without Having to Win
At the core of competition is a longing to belong. To be seen. To matter.
But here’s the thing: you already do.
You don’t have to be the best, the fastest, or the most anything to be worthy of love and connection. You don’t have to shrink when others shine. You don’t have to prove your place. It’s already yours.
The next time you feel that pinch of comparison, pause. Breathe. Say to yourself: This feeling is human. I don’t need to push it away. But I don’t need to believe it, either.
Then soften. Celebrate someone else. And remind yourself:
Their win isn’t your loss.
And your joy isn’t measured by someone else’s journey.
Photo by Tara Winstead: https://www.pexels.com/photo/white-and-pink-hello-kitty-bag-7723718/
Additional Resources
Embracing Authentically: Intentionally Living with Purpose and Integrity
If you’re ready to live with greater intention and align your daily life with your deepest values, Embracing Authentically is the perfect guide. This book starts with a detailed activity to help you identify your core values and then takes you on a journey of self-reflection, ensuring that your actions truly reflect the person you want to be.
Mindfulness for Beginners
New to mindfulness? Mindfulness for Beginners offers a simple, accessible introduction to the practice. With clear explanations and easy-to-follow activities, this book is designed to help you build a mindfulness habit from the ground up—no prior experience needed.
