Authenticity Over Approval: Why Values Matter More Than Comfort

There’s a kind of regret that doesn’t come from doing something wrong - it comes from doing something that didn’t feel right.

It’s the regret that follows the moment we say something we didn’t mean, or stay silent when our voice was needed. It’s the gut-check after a decision that looked fine on the outside but didn’t sit well inside. This kind of regret isn’t just about the outcome - it’s about disconnection. Specifically, disconnection from our values.

And the more I reflect on it - in my own life, in the lives of my clients, in the world around us - the more convinced I become that so much of our personal and social pain comes not from our circumstances, but from forgetting who we want to be in the face of those circumstances.

The Compass We Often Ignore

Values are like a compass. They don’t tell us which road to take, but they help us understand how we want to walk it.

They’re not goals. They’re not checklists. You don’t achieve a value the way you achieve a milestone. Values are enduring qualities like honesty, compassion, growth, justice, or presence that give shape to how we want to live, relate, and choose.

When we’re connected to our values, even difficult decisions can feel clear. Not easy, but clear. And even when those decisions bring discomfort or loss, we often find peace in knowing we acted in alignment with what matters most.

But when we’re disconnected from our values, when we make decisions from fear, ego, pressure, or avoidance, there’s usually a residue. A sense that we’ve abandoned something important. And over time, that residue builds. It becomes a weight we carry, one small compromise at a time.

Why We Lose Touch with Our Values

So why do we forget? Why do we drift?

Part of the answer is simply: life is hard. In the chaos of deadlines, relationships, parenting, bills, conflict, and noise, it’s easy to slip into autopilot. We become reactive instead of intentional. We go with the flow, or we resist the flow, without pausing to ask: Is this who I want to be in this moment?

Another reason is emotional discomfort. When we feel anxious or threatened, our nervous systems shift into fight, flight, or freeze, and our executive functioning narrows. We stop reflecting and start reacting. And values require reflection. They ask us to slow down, to feel things fully, to risk vulnerability.

And sometimes, we don’t actually know our values as clearly as we think we do. We have vague ideas, “be a good person,” “do the right thing,” but we haven’t named or defined what those actually mean for us. That vagueness makes it easier to drift.

The Role of Regret as a Teacher

Regret isn’t always a bad thing. It can be one of our most powerful teachers - if we let it be.

When we feel that sting of, “I wish I had handled that differently,” it can be tempting to shut it down with excuses or self-judgment. But regret is often just a signal that we acted out of alignment with our values. It’s our inner compass saying, Come back. You know a better way.

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is alignment. And alignment doesn’t mean we never falter, it means we notice when we do, and we use that noticing as a path back to what matters.

Values vs. Principles: What’s the Difference?

People sometimes use the words values and principles interchangeably. And while they’re deeply connected, I think there’s an important distinction.

• Values are personal, emotional, often abstract qualities that represent what truly matters to us. They’re the “why” behind our choices. Examples: Integrity, compassion, freedom, growth, authenticity, connection.

  
  

• Principles are actionable expressions or rules that grow from our values. They’re the “how” we use to bring our values into the real world. Examples: “Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.” “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” “Never make a promise you can’t keep.”

Values are felt.

Principles are practiced.

One informs the other. When principles drift from values, they become rigid rules. When values lack principles, they stay vague ideals. We need both.

How Disconnection from Values Leads to Regret

Let’s make this real. Here are a few examples of how disconnection plays out:

• You value kindness, but you lash out in a meeting because you’re tired and under pressure. The regret isn’t just about what you said, it’s that it didn’t reflect the person you want to be.

  
  

• You value freedom, but you agree to something you don’t want to do because you’re afraid of disappointing someone. The resentment you feel later isn’t about the event, it’s about not honoring your own boundary.

  
  

• You value honesty, but you avoid a conversation to keep the peace. The quiet shame you carry isn’t just about being passive, it’s about betraying your deeper desire for authenticity.

The common thread? The regret doesn’t come from external judgment. It comes from an internal knowing - the knowing that you made a choice that didn’t reflect your values.

Living Aligned: Practical Ways to Reconnect

Living by our values isn’t something that happens automatically. It’s a daily practice. Here are a few ways to stay connected:

1. Name Your Values

Take time to identify your core values, not just words that sound nice, but qualities that actually resonate with how you want to live. You might try journaling prompts like:

• “When do I feel most like myself?”

• “What makes me proud of who I am?”

• “What do I want people to remember about me?”

2. Define Your Principles

Once you’ve named your values, explore how they show up in practice. What guiding principles can help you live them out?

• If you value respect, a principle might be, “Listen before responding.”

• If you value growth, a principle might be, “Lean into discomfort rather than avoid it.”

3. Use Values as a Decision Filter

When faced with a tough decision or conflict, pause and ask, Which choice reflects my values more clearly? Not which is easier. Not which will please others. But which is truer to who I want to be?

4. Repair When You Drift

You will mess up. So will I. The key isn’t to avoid every misstep, it’s to notice when we’re off course and make amends. Apologize. Adjust. Return.

5. Reflect Regularly

Build in time - even just five minutes a day - to check in with yourself. “Did I live according to my values today?” is a much more meaningful question than “Did I get everything done?”

Closing Thought: Your Life as a Mirror

Here’s a thought that helps me recalibrate when I’ve drifted:

Every moment is a mirror reflecting who I am becoming.

Not who I say I am. Not who I hope to be. But who I am actually becoming through my choices.

When we make decisions from a place of alignment, even if they’re hard, we walk away with clarity. Maybe even peace. When we disconnect, we feel it - not always immediately, but eventually.

So the invitation isn’t to live perfectly. It’s to live intentionally. To let your values guide your actions, and your actions reflect your heart.

Because at the end of the day, most of us don’t regret the hard conversations or the difficult boundaries. We regret the moments we abandoned ourselves to avoid them.

Reflection Questions

• What are three values that matter most to you right now?

• When was the last time you made a decision you regretted? What value might have helped you choose differently?

• How can you bring your values into one small action today?

Want to Go Deeper?

If the ideas in this blog resonated with you, check out my book: Embracing Authenticity: Intentionally Living with Purpose and Integrity.

This guided journal is a practical, insightful companion for anyone ready to live more

intentionally. Through reflective prompts, mindfulness practices, and values-based exercises, you’ll learn to uncover what matters most - and live it, every day.

• Rediscover your core values

• Reflect through thoughtful journal prompts

• Learn how to align daily actions with your deepest truths

• Available now at www.sierracounselingandcoaching.com/about-me/resources